A Coup

May 29, 2016 § 2 Comments

I’ve been wanting to write on here in a completely new way. I really do feel fundamentally different about myself and my life. I kind of want to vomit (sorry, bad usage of words for me but too bad) when I write or hear anything like that.

But I don’t think that’s bad. I am very different currently, but I am actually okay saying that I like how I am and have been. I have done so many things that have hurt people I care about, as well as myself, for which I am so deeply apologetic for. But I can’t change that. And I did what I did, I was who I was.

Despite it sounding contradictory, as I said, wishy-washy overly positive proclamations and bullshit really do irritate me. I don’t trust people like that or respect their intelligence too much, which is probably bad but hey, if I get to know them and that changes, awesome. But I like all of that about me. That’s the weird part. Right now, I really appreciate all of the terrible, dark parts of myself and my past. I want to experience everything and I feel I can relate better and have so much more intricate knowledge of pain and suffering that I never would have if I hadn’t gone through everything I had. And I think that’s something to appreciate, that makes me more intuitive in such a deeply ingrained way. And I want to be surrounded by people who have been through shit or are still going through shit. I don’t want to be around or hear about people that haven’t or have and refuse to acknowledge it. I want to be able to talk about feeling like shit, about feeling ugly and dirty and shameful if that’s what I’m feeling. I don’t want to feel as though talking about or feeling any of that means my mental health isn’t ideal or my self esteem isn’t perfect, etc.

I want to write about all the dark parts of my mind and myself on here. I want to go back and go through it all and relate to everyone. Most of it I still live through everyday, I don’t mean to sound like I’m all cured or some shit like that. Not that anyone is actually cured, but I have a very strange new outlook on things. I don’t completely know what happened. And I know offering advice to a lot of people going through terrible times isn’t (at least for me, and that’s what I know most) going to help and will just sound so far out of the range of ability for them. Or just irritating.

I don’t even like the term ‘healed’ or any derivative of it. I am myself. I refuse to negate or reduce myself to any kind of diagnosis. I want to take all the responsibility, good and bad, for myself and my actions. I am just strangely accepting of it all now. For whatever reason. Maybe it’s just for the day, maybe that’s just the cynic in me thinking this won’t last, but again, fuck it all right?

Labyrinth

May 15, 2016 § 3 Comments

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See how I’m adding pictures now? That’s how I get people to like me on social media and whatnot right?

Fuck all that bullshit. I’m in a weird mood. I feel obligated to write and this blog is not a representation of my creative skills and I wish it were…I get too emotional and just need to fucking vent to something. Last night I had a bit of a meltdown trying to think of who I had to talk to. I already knew there wasn’t really anyone. I don’t even trust therapists and there’s just something about it….it’s not the same as someone who really knows you, who’s not getting paid to listen to you. I feel compelled to be a good patient and lie or omit things to seem like I’m improving or that I’m not as much of a mess as I am.

Family members…I have an issue with as well…I actually don’t trust anyone. It’s very sad. I had a rough night last night because I really don’t want the life I have. My brother, I feel, has a strange condescending way towards me when I call and he tries to console me. I am actually very close to him but it’s different in these circumstances….I feel like a burden. I feel shitty saying anything against him because we’re very close, it’s just in these circumstances, it feels disingenuous. Last night though, I really couldn’t think of anyone else to call and he picked up even though he fucking HATES speaking on the phone….I know he cares greatly for me…but even myself, sometimes I can’t get myself to listen or properly give someone what they need when they’re in a bad place even if I’m capable of it…it’s just that you feel obligated.

Last night someone brought up my nature currently…and described me as a “beautiful mess.” They discussed how low my self esteem is…which I know, although I also think I can deny but have written about before how even though I try to act as though that is not the case, it just leeches out of me. I say things too often, not even realizing it, that make how I feel about myself evident. That makes it scarier for me I think, because it’s so ingrained in my opinion of myself. I’m actually scared a little bit…for myself. I want to change and yet, I’m also the same person and still have the same thoughts and opinions on myself where I’m despondent and very deeply think I deserve to suffer and don’t deserve healthy relationships or to treat myself well both body and mind. Why is that? And why do I have a problem with wanting that?

I also think I’m so deeply in this hole of shit that it would take so much time to dig my way out and what if that doesn’t even work? And I don’t actually believe I’m worth that. And, again, that’s scary right? Scarier even is that I’m not as scared about all of that and my opinion of myself as I should be…What do I do? My brother tells me to talk to someone and yes, I think at this juncture I will try that again because in the past it’s always been a kind of forced encounter. Family members making me talk to someone. I think I’ll have the same inclinations to sugarcoat my reality to whoever I end up with now but I’m hoping it will be slightly different…slightly better because I’m deciding to do it this time. But besides that, I still find it incredibly sad that I’m so very alone. I need people…and yet, I also don’t want them. I want to be independent in every sense of the word and I know that’s come close to killing me multiple times in the past, not wanting to have to eat, sleep, have emotions, etc.

I think I’m at a point where I really do want to change…I’m hoping that’s true. I guess if I don’t know it for sure, maybe I’m still undecided. Just like knowing if you’ve cum or not. You just know and if it’s unsure, you didn’t/don’t. I am fairly certain though…I’m going to try and keep going forward.

The Pleasure Principle

March 26, 2016 § Leave a comment

I’m in a very ballsy aggressive mood currently. In the present minute, in the best possible way. I always change through the seasons. I can recount the differences in my character, my outlook, my abilities and even my appearance as vastly different when comparing Winter Maghan to Summer Maghan. I always look forward to my Summer self. Obviously, I’m a narcissistic bitch so I’ll confirm that, of course I know how mood etc. etc. is affected by season (Finland’s high suicide rate in Winter without any sunlight, but look it fucking up yourselves, there’s Google kids).

My insomnia’s starting to get a wee bit worse, increasingly so. I’m starting to feel things stronger, instead of the sluggish whiny boring thoughts that tend to invade my winter brain. I’m not even in a good mood right now per se, but I’d much rather be angry if I’m in a pejorative state of mind rather than sad and self-pitying.

I have a few things I know I need to write about. I have them written down in some notebooks, and yes, yes, I will. I will incorporate some of them into this post, but will write according to each in detail when I have more time.

Currently, however, let’s discuss a few issues I’m having with the penises of the population as well as the scummy men who possess them who claim they are just incapable of controlling their urges and attractions. (I’ll clarify that I’m generalizing and including the entire male population, just a select few at the moment, but let me vent okay)? Before I start going into more detail about the specific injustices I’ve just recently been faced with regarding all of this, I would like to say to all of the men who use this bullshit as an excuse, as well as outside parties who reinforce that men can’t control themselves, basically placing the blame on us women (or men, but right now I’m talking selfishly about my own gender) for wearing certain clothing, acting or looking a certain way, and to be honest, just being ourselves and being a member of the female community, that if that’s your go-to, you are all pathetic and weak. Not being able to control yourselves, not being able to use your brain (or just saying you can’t to get your way) to make logical choices over your biological urge to stick it in any of us, is sad. So fuck you. Unfortunately of course, this idea is condoned far too often, so it’s not seen in this way by general consensus. And usually, the fault and the punishment is laid on the women, no fault of their own.

The Jian Ghomeshi trial verdict was issued this past Thursday. I expected the verdict unfortunately, despite having very mixed and emotional feelings in regards to it as well (maybe more so) toward the opinions and musings of many a friend and stranger that I’ve either heard in person or via social media. I will write more about this specifically in a few posts later. Because really, I want to vent about something specific to myself. Incidentally, the bullshit that happened to me occurred the day after this fucking verdict came out.

I mentioned briefly, the opportunity that came up for me about a month ago, out of the blue that was a huge deal for me and the future of my artistic career. I didn’t go into too much detail because it was still so new and surreal and I wanted to wait till I really got my feet wet with the whole thing to discuss it. Well…it’s all gone to shit. Because the artist who, I guess ‘discovered’ me in all the cliche sense of the word, apparently can’t spend too much time with me in the way we’d arranged and agreed upon because he can’t control his dick. Sorry, if he keeps “working with me, he will continue to develop stronger and stronger ‘feelings’ for me”. The beginning of this entire partnership, I established that it was professional and I thought at the time that he was on the same page as me. I mentioned (and continued to do so, as I am always wary of men in any situation) that I was involved with other people, therefore not available. He is also around 40 or so, and though I’m not ageist I’m also not attracted to him in any sense. Even if I was, I can control myself. Especially new to this kind of professional relationship, I want to be taken seriously. I want to work and know that I am working because of my talents and potential. But of course, nope, I’m just a woman, only good for one thing.

I tried explaining this. How much it hurts to be reduced to my vagina, my position as an object, a potential relationship or lay. That’s no longer an option, so I’m discarded completely, reducing all of me to the importance of all of that, my other abilities not anywhere as important, easily forgotten and replaced when the possibility of fucking me is no longer in the picture. I actually got the excuse that, “you don’t know what it’s like for us men sometimes” and “don’t you understand how I can’t as a straight man, be around you.” Yeah, sure, feels great man.

I already have such trust issues, honestly, mostly to do with myself and my confidence as a person. I have trouble thinking of myself as more than my sex on my own. And experiences like these keep digging their heels into me, into my self esteem and my ability to think of myself as anything besides someone to be used and then thrown away. I’m seriously working on it. I’m also, as I said, loving my new found energy. I think in other circumstances or at other times, I’d be upset and weepy and sad, but really, I’m just pissed as all hell. Which I enjoy. Anger, at least in this way, feels good to me. And deserved. It’s not irrational, I don’t think, it’s completely appropriate. I’m not feeling like editing too much, so fuck it. These are my words, these are my thoughts, stream of consciousness, out of my brain. Just all me, mistakes and typos be damned. I’m going to leave you, now, with this very fitting quote from the incredible Anaïs Nin:

For too many centuries women have been being muses to artists. I wanted to be the muse, I wanted to be the wife of the artist, but I was really trying to avoid the final issue—that I had to do the job myself.
—Anaïs Nin

 

Salt

March 2, 2016 § 2 Comments

I have been writing a decent amount lately. Somewhat proud of myself, however, it is because I’ve been feeling like shit. I usually write when I feel terrible. I’ve mostly been catching up, reading up too much on the news on topics that are important and I feel it is imperative for myself and everyone to read, despite really fucking kicking the shit out of me emotionally. The Jian trial really affected me of course, but then the Kesha trial, now I’m just rewatching Lady Gaga’s Oscar performance and bawling my eyes out. 12784811_10154631095678206_1542180834_n

Obviously this is my stage of nice crying. I’m not going to sugarcoat that. I’m not at any state to actually show my disgusting bleeding eyeball snot dripping drooling cry face as of yet, sorry. I also rarely post pictures of myself, or anything actually, on here. I am trying to start getting more active via social media though since apparently there are going to be murals of me around the city…and world (although the first one is just going to be the back of me),  I have to start thickening my skin to deal with people who will be talking about how hideous and worthless I am so might as well start as soon as possible.

That is all somewhat related to the original topic. I know I veer around and ramble, part of my charm HA just kidding. So rape in general is fucking horrific, but I still think it’s a much bigger issue (which also leads into violent rapes that make it into the news) of people thinking if they just keep trying, that it will happen. Or that whoops, it just slipped in. And I, myself, have become desensitized far too much to this. I only recently learned that certain events throughout my life were wrong. I’ve outlined them somewhat in previous posts, but there are so many more that I’ve experienced, and that I know many others have experienced where it’s made into an “accident”, “You were just so hot”, “I was so attracted to you”, etc. And then you decide ehh, I’ll just let it happen because it kind of already has. I have a list written of my partners and I started redoing it with markings of the people who have basically done it without my consent. Who kept trying, who  I really liked but still made boundaries about certain things, but was too insecure to be forceful, thinking that if I said no they’d stop talking to me completely, hurt me, etc. All of that usually happened anyway, but it’s a weird cycle and it starts to web itself into the corners of your brain.

I just got a call from the place I was supposed to be starting work. I thought the guy I interviewed with really liked me. I mean, he did I suppose, but I was starting to get worried because I was supposed to hear about when I’d have my first trial shift this week on Saturday night and hadn’t heard until just a few minutes ago. I had texted yesterday morning about it and was losing hope completely to be honest, and usually in this line of business, people just ghost you. YEAH like asshole dates. But, he did get back to me just now. I was really excited about this place, it seemed like such a good fit for me, I seemed to like everyone I met and talked to, I’d started memorizing (was almost done) the menu, but then when the manager did get back to me…he told me since the other girls were so strong, one or both would probably work out. And besides that, he liked me a lot but I’d told him about the sexual harassment and whatnot at my last job (obv not just that, because I hate myself so much in various ways and for various reasons), but that he got a vibe that I seemed very fragile and going through some personal things that he hoped I could get under control and wanted me to try back in a couple months if I got that under control. HA.I just…I think about things I’ve said before about how pain and sadness just comes out of you. You can try to hide it, cover it up, but people can just feel it, they just know. And I want to feel better about myself but…how do I do that? I hate therapists and the entire mental health system, talking about things. And I’m too socially conscious to actually be honest anyway. I honestly wonder at times like these if I should be in the hospital. I actually go tomorrow for something unrelated. Who knows, maybe I have some insane disease anyway that would keep me from working anyway. Dude I’ve been fucking and close to living with the past couple months (not in a romantic way, just a friendly ‘I understand your roommates disgusting’ kind of way) had strep anyway, so I was worried I’d get it right when I started work. But, despite that…should I see if they can help me with my depression and related shit? I hate getting help as well…I just want to do it myself.

My parents are calling hopefully tonight. I told them there were some urgent things to discuss…but…I don’t even know what to say now. I have to email some people and I have an interview Friday too…and the place down the street wants me to come in again. The girl they just hired might not work out…But then I think, do they just see me as a depressed, weak and sad little girl as well? Is this all a self fulfilling prophecy potentially…?

This is why I hate my mind so much. It thinks too much. And the majority is negative. I can’t decide, can’t focus, can’t logically hone in on one opinion. I’m just a worthless piece of shit that is supposed to exist to be used by everyone else. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I want to be. That’s the consensus of all the threads in my mind.

I am the little mermaid that couldn’t kill the person she loved, I’ll turn it into her not being able to decide to live and exert herself, and instead became seafoam on the water. I am no one. I am the foam over the water, evaporating into the air, you will breathe me in and the traces of who I was will still linger in your lungs.

I’m sorry that this got so much darker than I meant. Circumstances I guess changed my outlook…or exacerbated it I suppose…I apologize.

Vertigo

March 1, 2016 § Leave a comment

My eyes don’t focus. I am a shell. My head collapses into my body, the dark and rotting flesh inside of me. It’s a slow and painful process, this process of dying. I see it inside my body, working its way outward. One day it will show on my face and I will envelop myself in snow until I freeze. Will it work?

I am cellophane. Fake and manufactured and easily manipulated. Mrs. Cellophane. I remember in school when I was maybe 11, I was obsessed with Chicago. I went to see the play when it was showing in Toronto after seeing the film having come out and my parents, avid musical lovers, had bought the soundtrack, which I played daily for…I have no idea.

I want to have a defined role. I want to be something. I can’t say I’m the bitch or the outcast or the villain, but I know I veer too close on numerous occasions.

On the floor, listening to Dire Straits. I want to crawl under my bed, but I’m supposed to be a human, awake and conscious and productive. All I want, all in my mind that I could want is lying down on the hard marble floor, dark and hidden from everything. I want to cry onto the floor, without the clean up, pill and drink myself to oblivion until I’m gone.

What happened? I had a change of mind a few days ago where I wanted to start becoming a living person. Fully present, listening, not suicidal when my brain starts to go into overdrive as it is wont to do when I’m sober and clean, telling me all of the horrible parts of myself.

I am a creature. An X. I am not a human. I don’t know if I want to be. Any of the improvements I should see in my life, last for far too short a time to make an impact in my brain. My brain is broken. I am broken. What is the solution?

I am in a coat, with the biggest bottle of Canadian Club. I am already wasted and no one is or will be at the house. I can’t feel my skin. I am numb in skin and mind and I am falling into the browning, dead garden. Remove my coat, continue to drink until my brain shuts down. Did I write a note? I would like to think that I am small and beautiful when I’d go, but why would I go unless I’m a disgusting wreck? I imagine though, that it will all work, that I won’t be revived with terrible consequences to live with. Just gone. Frozen in the snow, holding my licquor across my chest like a rose in a coffin.

 

Slaughter

February 28, 2016 § Leave a comment

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You know how they say any addict (of any sort), before they enter into a relationship should first try a year having a plant? If the plant survives, they get a pet for a year. If he/she survives, then you can try a relationship with a person. OOPS.

Although I’ve had my bamboo for years and years, through my food issues, substance issues, sex issues, etc. etc. SO. It’s okay. I’ll rehabilitate it. Ironic, no? Harr harr.

Eggshells

February 28, 2016 § 1 Comment

I don’t know how this post is going to go. It’s going to just be me, stream of consciousness I guess because I’ve been scattered all over, chips of my brain and my body, all over the city, I haven’t been planning or completing my to-dos. I’ve ignored a lot, just completely unhinged myself from practicality in my life. This has been the past couple of months.

My apartment and my roommate have been killing me. I can’t deal with it and I’m moving this week, although there are some issues with that because I didn’t give thirty days notice and I am actually going to see the tenant and landlord board if I can’t see any other way. I am going to talk to my parents to see what they think when they get back on the 1st from Cuba (even thought it’s at midnight or some bullshit), but at least when they get in at the airport, I will have left them an urgent message to call me. Shit will hopefully work out.

Because of that, I’ve been living elsewhere for the most part. I joke that I’m a paratrooper but I’ve mostly just been at one person’s house, as a live-in fuck buddy maybe, even though it’s not necessarily like that. Been drunk to the nth degree way too much. Interesting because he reads this and is fine with it. Well, not fine, which I know makes me outside of the realm of possibility as any kind of serious partner (which is the same as with anyone at all anyway), but I have started trying to be better. The difference here however, is I’m not really worried so much about feeling shitty and fucking up and talking about it, listening about similar things, etc. etc. in the same way I have been many a time in the past.

This week has been Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I’m disgusting right now. I honestly don’t want to be seen in public most of the time because I’m so fat right now. I guess some of it’s been attributed to having surgery (oh yeah, breast reduction HA) and being just comatose on pain killers then having to be fairly immobile for a bit. Then I was crushed again because my job decided to not include me on the schedule any longer because of it, despite telling me that I’d definitely be coming back. I had been looking for other jobs anyway, even advised by the kitchen manager, who loved me and was the only one present during the shifts with me to see that I’m actually a good worker and intelligent, however, also informing me of all of the problems there. Least of which involved the owner, who is the most disgusting, sexist person I’ve ever worked for, which I inevitably discovered first hand as my time there progressed. That’s coming from someone with years of experience in the hospitality industry, which is plagued with sexual harassment and certain other types of abuse. I visited there today actually and heard he called a new female employee a ‘truck’ and didn’t want a truck working there, referring to her body shape.

I kind of wanted to cry. I’ve been crying a lot about, well stupid bullshit, but also some serious things, especially because of this week. I’ve been applying for jobs and any somewhat nice events or places I’ve had to go to I’ve been wearing basically the same dress because it’s baggy, but okay, and I don’t know, is the only one I’m comfortable with if I have to be out of sweats. And that makes me such an idiot and disgusting, although I guess that is an expression of how I feel about myself and look without clothes right now as well.

I should probably try to be uplifting a bit, or talk about how everyone’s beautiful on the inside, your body doesn’t make you, you don’t have to be conventionally attractive, etc. But I can’t. I honestly feel hideous. I am trying to forget but it’s in my brain all the time. I fight it every day. I want to be someone else. Actually, no. Just a better me. A better version of myself.

I’ve regained my hope a bit in my life because of something very surreal and amazing that just came up out of the blue. I’m very excited about it despite having a few setbacks in my mood for a few reasons. I’ll write about it in detail after I’ve gotten my feet a bit wetter than I have with this whole project I’ve been chosen for. For now though, I’m going to talk about it in the vaguest of terms. The most relevant part of it is that it’s brought back a lot of yes, feelings of hope, that I want to be a person, I want to live. I don’t want to just live like a zombie, in a haze, not really letting myself feel and think, instead of just being drunk or drugged because I feel useless and a failure as a human. Unfortunately…the flip side of that becomes….if I’m going to be a relevant person and achieve things (especially in the context of the projects that I’m entering into where I’ll potentially become somewhat of a public figure) I want to be…need to be skinny and attractive. I’ll potentially be scrutinized and analyzed, most specifically regarding my appearance. I’ve still been drinking the last little while, even though it’s changed a lot in my head of how I want to do it and wanting to abstain actually, but I haven’t been eating hardly at all. And I want to keep cutting back. On food mainly, but licquor as well. Need to. I will. I know I’m not supposed to…I don’t want to start purging again…although I kind of do.

My best friend and I saw each other and she has a purging history as well, albeit not as extreme as mine has been, but we both openly discuss it. We’re both abstinent from it, I actually haven’t in maybe four months which is insane, and before that, it was still somewhat rare. I’ve been outside of the clinical diagnosis of bulimia for at least a year, anorexia even longer now. But….

Our discussion consisted of blow jobs. We both agreed that we pride ourselves, or did anyway, with how good we were at them. We’d talked about this entire subject before, and I wanted to bring it up because suddenly I find myself inept. I actually attribute it to not being an active bulimic anymore. It makes a lot of sense. And it brings up the entire association with sex and body image as well. How I think I’ve felt for too long that I’m not good for anything except for sex or being used or whatever that way. It’s interesting and brings up so many other things I can say about a relationship between sex and eating disorders/body image but I’ll maybe save that….I’ve gotten myself a bit more upset than I liked with this post, I guess for good reason. Sometimes you just have to go into the pain, but I think I’ll end this post shortly anyway. I really will try to write about the sex/body thing in more depth, my thoughts on it, about assault again too what with the fucking Jian Ghomeshi trial (which I meant to write a post about earlier but just….ugh). Please try to be stronger than I am right now everyone, everyone who is struggling with all of this. I wish the best of luck to you all, and I’m sorry if I triggered, I didn’t mean to, but I have to be honest.