Connecting the dots. Update to previous post.

July 12, 2017 § Leave a comment

So I thought I’d just show anyone about how crazy I have been the past month or so, which I discussed in the last post, if you’d like to give it a gander. I actually have bruises, little finger bruises I’ve made on my chest from pushing into my chest trying to feel it, what was my pulse (to be honest I probably have bruises around my jaw too, or maybe I will, I never really thought about that hmm). Here’s some shots for reference:

IMG_0023IMG_0024

NOTE: Sorry these are “chest” shots, they’re not meant to be like check out the cleave (which there is none HA) but that’s just where I was feeling my heart, where they ended up.

Anyway, Just more so to show how insanely paranoid and terrified I’ve been. I’ve really had a rough month as I know so many of you are going through and have and will probably go through periods of this, relapses of any kind or something will emerge you never thought possible. These problems, anxiety and panic disorder are real. So are the other varied and debilitating mental problems that exist as well, usually co-morbidly.

This will just be short, I just wanted to show you how crazy this whole thing has and still has been making me. It’s hard to be talking candidly like this, but I’m trying to become more publicly active in the discussions on mental health, addictions, eating disorders, etc. etc. Especially the stigma. Let us speak, let us hear, let us help and be comfortable asking for help without fear of disdain and disgust. No one suffering should have such fear that we’re seen as useless, have no control, we’re making it up, attention seeking, the list goes on.

I am ending this, however, on a good note (just wait for it though, it starts off quite the opposite). I had a very messy experience of the same again yesterday, ruining what was supposed to be a day out, a picnic with my boyfriend for the months we’ve been together and it all got wrecked (I really tried to keep myself from saying I wrecked it…I mean I did…no…my mental shit right now wrecked it for both of us. It’s really hard to say without self-blame). I tried to keep myself okay the whole day but it started off rough, I felt the same preemptive feelings thinking something would happen, my heart was going to go. I ended up not able to eat I was so nauseated (and every time I even had water I threw it up, sorry about it!) This fucking spider scared the shit out of me in the apartment which exacerbated the whole thing, me thinking oh my god I can’t be scared like that, my heart, omg. And I ended up calming myself down somewhat because I really wanted to make our plans work and celebrate and have a beautiful day. Soon after we left, I started to have palpitations and couldn’t breathe very well as we continued, feeling weaker, as if I might faint, not being able to think properly, sort of in a fog. It ended up with a culmination again, me sweating and clutching my chest and throat, my heart beating out of my chest and I just broke down saying please please can I just get checked out, I really need to, I might be dying. What if something is really happening? etc. etc.

Silver Lining: I was seen by a lovely woman at a clinic close ish to where we were at the time (Sorry, I can’t remember the name), who listened to everything I had to say, about my life, all of the horrible self-destructive choices I’ve made, that I really don’t seem to be reaching right? There maybe really IS something wrong right? I could be that one rare person. She listened to how it’s affected my life significantly as I mentioned in my last post and checked me out as I asked, as best she could at the clinic, and gave me medication for the interim until I see the doctor who will be my new doctor in Toronto where I can get all the check ups and work down and help I want and need currently.

AND they’ve helped immensely. I’m still having slight bouts about things, keep having my mind wander to what-ifs and researching symptoms and things online but I’ve improved immensely. I’ve been able to clean today, to read, to actually BE somewhat functional. Which is such an improvement I can’t even tell you. And it is and will be for my poor boyfriend as well, who has been so supportive but I know this whole month has been really rough on him as well. He’s been amazing and I feel so lucky to have someone who I can trust and who is just there for me in all the ways I need him.

Thanks everyone!

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