May 29, 2016 § 2 Comments
I’ve been wanting to write on here in a completely new way. I really do feel fundamentally different about myself and my life. I kind of want to vomit (sorry, bad usage of words for me but too bad) when I write or hear anything like that.
But I don’t think that’s bad. I am very different currently, but I am actually okay saying that I like how I am and have been. I have done so many things that have hurt people I care about, as well as myself, for which I am so deeply apologetic for. But I can’t change that. And I did what I did, I was who I was.
Despite it sounding contradictory, as I said, wishy-washy overly positive proclamations and bullshit really do irritate me. I don’t trust people like that or respect their intelligence too much, which is probably bad but hey, if I get to know them and that changes, awesome. But I like all of that about me. That’s the weird part. Right now, I really appreciate all of the terrible, dark parts of myself and my past. I want to experience everything and I feel I can relate better and have so much more intricate knowledge of pain and suffering that I never would have if I hadn’t gone through everything I had. And I think that’s something to appreciate, that makes me more intuitive in such a deeply ingrained way. And I want to be surrounded by people who have been through shit or are still going through shit. I don’t want to be around or hear about people that haven’t or have and refuse to acknowledge it. I want to be able to talk about feeling like shit, about feeling ugly and dirty and shameful if that’s what I’m feeling. I don’t want to feel as though talking about or feeling any of that means my mental health isn’t ideal or my self esteem isn’t perfect, etc.
I want to write about all the dark parts of my mind and myself on here. I want to go back and go through it all and relate to everyone. Most of it I still live through everyday, I don’t mean to sound like I’m all cured or some shit like that. Not that anyone is actually cured, but I have a very strange new outlook on things. I don’t completely know what happened. And I know offering advice to a lot of people going through terrible times isn’t (at least for me, and that’s what I know most) going to help and will just sound so far out of the range of ability for them. Or just irritating.
I don’t even like the term ‘healed’ or any derivative of it. I am myself. I refuse to negate or reduce myself to any kind of diagnosis. I want to take all the responsibility, good and bad, for myself and my actions. I am just strangely accepting of it all now. For whatever reason. Maybe it’s just for the day, maybe that’s just the cynic in me thinking this won’t last, but again, fuck it all right?