May 15, 2016 § 3 Comments
See how I’m adding pictures now? That’s how I get people to like me on social media and whatnot right?
Fuck all that bullshit. I’m in a weird mood. I feel obligated to write and this blog is not a representation of my creative skills and I wish it were…I get too emotional and just need to fucking vent to something. Last night I had a bit of a meltdown trying to think of who I had to talk to. I already knew there wasn’t really anyone. I don’t even trust therapists and there’s just something about it….it’s not the same as someone who really knows you, who’s not getting paid to listen to you. I feel compelled to be a good patient and lie or omit things to seem like I’m improving or that I’m not as much of a mess as I am.
Family members…I have an issue with as well…I actually don’t trust anyone. It’s very sad. I had a rough night last night because I really don’t want the life I have. My brother, I feel, has a strange condescending way towards me when I call and he tries to console me. I am actually very close to him but it’s different in these circumstances….I feel like a burden. I feel shitty saying anything against him because we’re very close, it’s just in these circumstances, it feels disingenuous. Last night though, I really couldn’t think of anyone else to call and he picked up even though he fucking HATES speaking on the phone….I know he cares greatly for me…but even myself, sometimes I can’t get myself to listen or properly give someone what they need when they’re in a bad place even if I’m capable of it…it’s just that you feel obligated.
Last night someone brought up my nature currently…and described me as a “beautiful mess.” They discussed how low my self esteem is…which I know, although I also think I can deny but have written about before how even though I try to act as though that is not the case, it just leeches out of me. I say things too often, not even realizing it, that make how I feel about myself evident. That makes it scarier for me I think, because it’s so ingrained in my opinion of myself. I’m actually scared a little bit…for myself. I want to change and yet, I’m also the same person and still have the same thoughts and opinions on myself where I’m despondent and very deeply think I deserve to suffer and don’t deserve healthy relationships or to treat myself well both body and mind. Why is that? And why do I have a problem with wanting that?
I also think I’m so deeply in this hole of shit that it would take so much time to dig my way out and what if that doesn’t even work? And I don’t actually believe I’m worth that. And, again, that’s scary right? Scarier even is that I’m not as scared about all of that and my opinion of myself as I should be…What do I do? My brother tells me to talk to someone and yes, I think at this juncture I will try that again because in the past it’s always been a kind of forced encounter. Family members making me talk to someone. I think I’ll have the same inclinations to sugarcoat my reality to whoever I end up with now but I’m hoping it will be slightly different…slightly better because I’m deciding to do it this time. But besides that, I still find it incredibly sad that I’m so very alone. I need people…and yet, I also don’t want them. I want to be independent in every sense of the word and I know that’s come close to killing me multiple times in the past, not wanting to have to eat, sleep, have emotions, etc.
I think I’m at a point where I really do want to change…I’m hoping that’s true. I guess if I don’t know it for sure, maybe I’m still undecided. Just like knowing if you’ve cum or not. You just know and if it’s unsure, you didn’t/don’t. I am fairly certain though…I’m going to try and keep going forward.