Labyrinth

May 15, 2016 § 3 Comments

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See how I’m adding pictures now? That’s how I get people to like me on social media and whatnot right?

Fuck all that bullshit. I’m in a weird mood. I feel obligated to write and this blog is not a representation of my creative skills and I wish it were…I get too emotional and just need to fucking vent to something. Last night I had a bit of a meltdown trying to think of who I had to talk to. I already knew there wasn’t really anyone. I don’t even trust therapists and there’s just something about it….it’s not the same as someone who really knows you, who’s not getting paid to listen to you. I feel compelled to be a good patient and lie or omit things to seem like I’m improving or that I’m not as much of a mess as I am.

Family members…I have an issue with as well…I actually don’t trust anyone. It’s very sad. I had a rough night last night because I really don’t want the life I have. My brother, I feel, has a strange condescending way towards me when I call and he tries to console me. I am actually very close to him but it’s different in these circumstances….I feel like a burden. I feel shitty saying anything against him because we’re very close, it’s just in these circumstances, it feels disingenuous. Last night though, I really couldn’t think of anyone else to call and he picked up even though he fucking HATES speaking on the phone….I know he cares greatly for me…but even myself, sometimes I can’t get myself to listen or properly give someone what they need when they’re in a bad place even if I’m capable of it…it’s just that you feel obligated.

Last night someone brought up my nature currently…and described me as a “beautiful mess.” They discussed how low my self esteem is…which I know, although I also think I can deny but have written about before how even though I try to act as though that is not the case, it just leeches out of me. I say things too often, not even realizing it, that make how I feel about myself evident. That makes it scarier for me I think, because it’s so ingrained in my opinion of myself. I’m actually scared a little bit…for myself. I want to change and yet, I’m also the same person and still have the same thoughts and opinions on myself where I’m despondent and very deeply think I deserve to suffer and don’t deserve healthy relationships or to treat myself well both body and mind. Why is that? And why do I have a problem with wanting that?

I also think I’m so deeply in this hole of shit that it would take so much time to dig my way out and what if that doesn’t even work? And I don’t actually believe I’m worth that. And, again, that’s scary right? Scarier even is that I’m not as scared about all of that and my opinion of myself as I should be…What do I do? My brother tells me to talk to someone and yes, I think at this juncture I will try that again because in the past it’s always been a kind of forced encounter. Family members making me talk to someone. I think I’ll have the same inclinations to sugarcoat my reality to whoever I end up with now but I’m hoping it will be slightly different…slightly better because I’m deciding to do it this time. But besides that, I still find it incredibly sad that I’m so very alone. I need people…and yet, I also don’t want them. I want to be independent in every sense of the word and I know that’s come close to killing me multiple times in the past, not wanting to have to eat, sleep, have emotions, etc.

I think I’m at a point where I really do want to change…I’m hoping that’s true. I guess if I don’t know it for sure, maybe I’m still undecided. Just like knowing if you’ve cum or not. You just know and if it’s unsure, you didn’t/don’t. I am fairly certain though…I’m going to try and keep going forward.

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§ 3 Responses to Labyrinth

  • I think getting and trying out a therapist would be a good step for you. I think you mentioned depression in here, right? Maybe getting someone who specializes in depression will help the course of your treatment better than other times, and you’re right, feeling that you may want help now might make the transition a bit easier.

    You’ll know when you mesh with the right therapist, it’s a process of trial and error, unfortunately. Also, you could try printing out what you’ve written here for them to get to know you. I’ve done that with my therapist before, printing out my online journals or reading them out during a session, something that captures my illogical thoughts while I was in a crisis that I can then reconfigure and change when I’m there with her in the office.

    Learning some positive coping strategies could help too. I’m not sure how you are with those but they certainly help!

    Lastly, I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling this way. I can say that I, too, have felt like I deserved to be alone and that I didn’t deserve help. But a lot of that is gone and nonexistent in my life now, it will take work, but it can be worth it. And if you work on changing yourself and really are determined and work for it, you won’t wind up completely unchanged, it’s just not possible. You can do it, you ARE worth it and I believe in you. I hope you can learn to trust people more, and try to believe me when I say that I care about you and I want you to be well. You can reach out to me if you need some encouragement. I will do my best to respond.

    Take care and stay safe. You are worth more than the stars in the universe. ❤ You're worth recovery.

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