May 30, 2016 § Leave a comment
I miss bath tubs. It’s only an open shower, dirty grey tiles, water from the faucet splashing over only half. I am sitting and I have a glass of wine, feeling the burn from my mascara and eyeliner bleeding into me as the water washes it down. I have a strong distaste for emotion of any kind and I am at a loss for what to do at the moment. I know it will pass, this is a fleeting moment of sadness and loss in my life and I will appreciate it later. I am a melodramatic little piece though, I can’t help how I was made. I want to lay down on the dirty tiled floor, curl up or lay face up, all of my limbs hit with the drops, turn up the pressure so I feel it in the greatest capacity.
I stay in my seated position. I let myself think, such a dangerous hobby of mine. I can logically make sense of the situation and yet, I can’t help but think I am a lesser person, a lesser woman than this one. I know there are reasons, there are thoughts about me that haven’t been said, that I haven’t heard, either in the minds of others who have or exist solely in his own. Unsavory, salacious gossips about me. It hurts more because I know what might be said, know they’re true. If they were lies I could pass it off, bring his character down a few pegs. But no, it’s me. I am still a mess, I am still a child wanting to lie down in the shower and cry when she’s been upset by a man. How pathetic.
May 29, 2016 § 2 Comments
I’ve been wanting to write on here in a completely new way. I really do feel fundamentally different about myself and my life. I kind of want to vomit (sorry, bad usage of words for me but too bad) when I write or hear anything like that.
But I don’t think that’s bad. I am very different currently, but I am actually okay saying that I like how I am and have been. I have done so many things that have hurt people I care about, as well as myself, for which I am so deeply apologetic for. But I can’t change that. And I did what I did, I was who I was.
Despite it sounding contradictory, as I said, wishy-washy overly positive proclamations and bullshit really do irritate me. I don’t trust people like that or respect their intelligence too much, which is probably bad but hey, if I get to know them and that changes, awesome. But I like all of that about me. That’s the weird part. Right now, I really appreciate all of the terrible, dark parts of myself and my past. I want to experience everything and I feel I can relate better and have so much more intricate knowledge of pain and suffering that I never would have if I hadn’t gone through everything I had. And I think that’s something to appreciate, that makes me more intuitive in such a deeply ingrained way. And I want to be surrounded by people who have been through shit or are still going through shit. I don’t want to be around or hear about people that haven’t or have and refuse to acknowledge it. I want to be able to talk about feeling like shit, about feeling ugly and dirty and shameful if that’s what I’m feeling. I don’t want to feel as though talking about or feeling any of that means my mental health isn’t ideal or my self esteem isn’t perfect, etc.
I want to write about all the dark parts of my mind and myself on here. I want to go back and go through it all and relate to everyone. Most of it I still live through everyday, I don’t mean to sound like I’m all cured or some shit like that. Not that anyone is actually cured, but I have a very strange new outlook on things. I don’t completely know what happened. And I know offering advice to a lot of people going through terrible times isn’t (at least for me, and that’s what I know most) going to help and will just sound so far out of the range of ability for them. Or just irritating.
I don’t even like the term ‘healed’ or any derivative of it. I am myself. I refuse to negate or reduce myself to any kind of diagnosis. I want to take all the responsibility, good and bad, for myself and my actions. I am just strangely accepting of it all now. For whatever reason. Maybe it’s just for the day, maybe that’s just the cynic in me thinking this won’t last, but again, fuck it all right?
May 15, 2016 § 3 Comments
See how I’m adding pictures now? That’s how I get people to like me on social media and whatnot right?
Fuck all that bullshit. I’m in a weird mood. I feel obligated to write and this blog is not a representation of my creative skills and I wish it were…I get too emotional and just need to fucking vent to something. Last night I had a bit of a meltdown trying to think of who I had to talk to. I already knew there wasn’t really anyone. I don’t even trust therapists and there’s just something about it….it’s not the same as someone who really knows you, who’s not getting paid to listen to you. I feel compelled to be a good patient and lie or omit things to seem like I’m improving or that I’m not as much of a mess as I am.
Family members…I have an issue with as well…I actually don’t trust anyone. It’s very sad. I had a rough night last night because I really don’t want the life I have. My brother, I feel, has a strange condescending way towards me when I call and he tries to console me. I am actually very close to him but it’s different in these circumstances….I feel like a burden. I feel shitty saying anything against him because we’re very close, it’s just in these circumstances, it feels disingenuous. Last night though, I really couldn’t think of anyone else to call and he picked up even though he fucking HATES speaking on the phone….I know he cares greatly for me…but even myself, sometimes I can’t get myself to listen or properly give someone what they need when they’re in a bad place even if I’m capable of it…it’s just that you feel obligated.
Last night someone brought up my nature currently…and described me as a “beautiful mess.” They discussed how low my self esteem is…which I know, although I also think I can deny but have written about before how even though I try to act as though that is not the case, it just leeches out of me. I say things too often, not even realizing it, that make how I feel about myself evident. That makes it scarier for me I think, because it’s so ingrained in my opinion of myself. I’m actually scared a little bit…for myself. I want to change and yet, I’m also the same person and still have the same thoughts and opinions on myself where I’m despondent and very deeply think I deserve to suffer and don’t deserve healthy relationships or to treat myself well both body and mind. Why is that? And why do I have a problem with wanting that?
I also think I’m so deeply in this hole of shit that it would take so much time to dig my way out and what if that doesn’t even work? And I don’t actually believe I’m worth that. And, again, that’s scary right? Scarier even is that I’m not as scared about all of that and my opinion of myself as I should be…What do I do? My brother tells me to talk to someone and yes, I think at this juncture I will try that again because in the past it’s always been a kind of forced encounter. Family members making me talk to someone. I think I’ll have the same inclinations to sugarcoat my reality to whoever I end up with now but I’m hoping it will be slightly different…slightly better because I’m deciding to do it this time. But besides that, I still find it incredibly sad that I’m so very alone. I need people…and yet, I also don’t want them. I want to be independent in every sense of the word and I know that’s come close to killing me multiple times in the past, not wanting to have to eat, sleep, have emotions, etc.
I think I’m at a point where I really do want to change…I’m hoping that’s true. I guess if I don’t know it for sure, maybe I’m still undecided. Just like knowing if you’ve cum or not. You just know and if it’s unsure, you didn’t/don’t. I am fairly certain though…I’m going to try and keep going forward.