March 2, 2016 § 2 Comments
I have been writing a decent amount lately. Somewhat proud of myself, however, it is because I’ve been feeling like shit. I usually write when I feel terrible. I’ve mostly been catching up, reading up too much on the news on topics that are important and I feel it is imperative for myself and everyone to read, despite really fucking kicking the shit out of me emotionally. The Jian trial really affected me of course, but then the Kesha trial, now I’m just rewatching Lady Gaga’s Oscar performance and bawling my eyes out.
Obviously this is my stage of nice crying. I’m not going to sugarcoat that. I’m not at any state to actually show my disgusting bleeding eyeball snot dripping drooling cry face as of yet, sorry. I also rarely post pictures of myself, or anything actually, on here. I am trying to start getting more active via social media though since apparently there are going to be murals of me around the city…and world (although the first one is just going to be the back of me), I have to start thickening my skin to deal with people who will be talking about how hideous and worthless I am so might as well start as soon as possible.
That is all somewhat related to the original topic. I know I veer around and ramble, part of my charm HA just kidding. So rape in general is fucking horrific, but I still think it’s a much bigger issue (which also leads into violent rapes that make it into the news) of people thinking if they just keep trying, that it will happen. Or that whoops, it just slipped in. And I, myself, have become desensitized far too much to this. I only recently learned that certain events throughout my life were wrong. I’ve outlined them somewhat in previous posts, but there are so many more that I’ve experienced, and that I know many others have experienced where it’s made into an “accident”, “You were just so hot”, “I was so attracted to you”, etc. And then you decide ehh, I’ll just let it happen because it kind of already has. I have a list written of my partners and I started redoing it with markings of the people who have basically done it without my consent. Who kept trying, who I really liked but still made boundaries about certain things, but was too insecure to be forceful, thinking that if I said no they’d stop talking to me completely, hurt me, etc. All of that usually happened anyway, but it’s a weird cycle and it starts to web itself into the corners of your brain.
I just got a call from the place I was supposed to be starting work. I thought the guy I interviewed with really liked me. I mean, he did I suppose, but I was starting to get worried because I was supposed to hear about when I’d have my first trial shift this week on Saturday night and hadn’t heard until just a few minutes ago. I had texted yesterday morning about it and was losing hope completely to be honest, and usually in this line of business, people just ghost you. YEAH like asshole dates. But, he did get back to me just now. I was really excited about this place, it seemed like such a good fit for me, I seemed to like everyone I met and talked to, I’d started memorizing (was almost done) the menu, but then when the manager did get back to me…he told me since the other girls were so strong, one or both would probably work out. And besides that, he liked me a lot but I’d told him about the sexual harassment and whatnot at my last job (obv not just that, because I hate myself so much in various ways and for various reasons), but that he got a vibe that I seemed very fragile and going through some personal things that he hoped I could get under control and wanted me to try back in a couple months if I got that under control. HA.I just…I think about things I’ve said before about how pain and sadness just comes out of you. You can try to hide it, cover it up, but people can just feel it, they just know. And I want to feel better about myself but…how do I do that? I hate therapists and the entire mental health system, talking about things. And I’m too socially conscious to actually be honest anyway. I honestly wonder at times like these if I should be in the hospital. I actually go tomorrow for something unrelated. Who knows, maybe I have some insane disease anyway that would keep me from working anyway. Dude I’ve been fucking and close to living with the past couple months (not in a romantic way, just a friendly ‘I understand your roommates disgusting’ kind of way) had strep anyway, so I was worried I’d get it right when I started work. But, despite that…should I see if they can help me with my depression and related shit? I hate getting help as well…I just want to do it myself.
My parents are calling hopefully tonight. I told them there were some urgent things to discuss…but…I don’t even know what to say now. I have to email some people and I have an interview Friday too…and the place down the street wants me to come in again. The girl they just hired might not work out…But then I think, do they just see me as a depressed, weak and sad little girl as well? Is this all a self fulfilling prophecy potentially…?
This is why I hate my mind so much. It thinks too much. And the majority is negative. I can’t decide, can’t focus, can’t logically hone in on one opinion. I’m just a worthless piece of shit that is supposed to exist to be used by everyone else. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I want to be. That’s the consensus of all the threads in my mind.
I am the little mermaid that couldn’t kill the person she loved, I’ll turn it into her not being able to decide to live and exert herself, and instead became seafoam on the water. I am no one. I am the foam over the water, evaporating into the air, you will breathe me in and the traces of who I was will still linger in your lungs.
I’m sorry that this got so much darker than I meant. Circumstances I guess changed my outlook…or exacerbated it I suppose…I apologize.