February 12, 2016 § Leave a comment
I’m around the bends. I’m unfortunately coming into a clear head, which I love and hate. It happens but then reminds me of why I fucking hate it so much. I hate my thoughts. Why is my head such a mess, why do I think too much. I want it to go away, leave me alone. Like a separate persona from my actual self. I feel disconnected all the time.
I walk in the freezing cold so I can feel it enter my bones, the pain eats away at the hatred in my brain, for as much time as I can make it last. Whenever I walk I wish I could put my thoughts directly into hard copy. I come up with ideas when I’m alone, when I’m forced to think, but trying hard not to, while I’m out in the goddamn public where I’m too socially anxious to allow myself to cry, self-destruct in my favourite ways. I redirect it into ideas for creative projects, writing and ideas for painting projects. Whoddathunk it?
I’m so disgusted with myself right now. I want to go back to the other side of my coin. I remember the month in England, most of London. I wrote a piece for a class about walking around alone, feeling my footsteps, so much space I take, I can feel my steps on the ground, I should be a rail, a feather. Before it ate away at my bones and my brain. The beginnings. I want it so bad.
I’m broken, fragments of myself chipping off every time I step into the wind, pieces of a person that used to be, torn off every time I try to forget, try to survive where I don’t belong.
Why can’t I just be someone without feelings?
Why can’t I just accept them at the very least?
I want to know someone loves me. There is one person that I truly believe does, what the difference is I’m not sure, but I can actually count on my brother for that. I know that I’m probably wrong, but it doesn’t change the feeling of being isolated in that way. I bear the brunt of the blame for isolating myself in the first place, I’m aware. I’ve cut a lot of people out, sabotaged relationships, kept myself at the distance that feels safest before it starts to involve anything too deep. I only want beginnings.
I’m not sure if it’s still true, but it happened too many times so it’s torn me apart further. I (used to) make good first impressions somehow but once anyone got to know me too well, they realized. And it hurts. There’s something fundamentally wrong with me? I know I shouldn’t think like that. I know that’s part of it. That I end up coming across the way I feel. But how do I change? I can’t help feeling like I’m too far gone.