Expletive

January 15, 2016 § 1 Comment

I hate my mind. I should be okay. Tolerant, looking forward right now for various reasons. But all I can think of is how useless I am. All the people who’ve left me. I don’t know if it hurts more or less wondering how well they knew me or not. Either they didn’t get a chance to learn more about me, and maybe decide to like me, was it just superficial? One thing I said? Although, believe me, I go over all of my physical imperfections and every possible stupid inane thing I have ever said at too frequent an occasion anyway.

Did they get to know me well enough and that’s what did it? I think that’s worse. Right? There’s something fundamentally wrong with me. Who I am. It’s fucked because I know these negative self deprecating thoughts themselves weave themselves into who I am…and most likely have to do with why no one stays, why they decide I’m not worth…whatever. I really want to not care. But jesus, it’s hard. I need to vent. And all I want is to like myself, to not wonder and worry about if I’m worth the space I take, if my mind adds anything of value to the world, if I have any talent worth anything. etc. etc. etc.

Please don’t judge me on this post. I’m not editing because I’m not in a very energetic or motivated headspace. I just needed to vent and/or cry or..ugh fuck it.

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§ One Response to Expletive

  • Nícia says:

    Hi!

    You’re worthy, you have talent, believe that and don’t ever forget about it. If you’re not sure of what you’re good at, ask yourself: What do I enjoy doing so much that I lose track of time?

    Ask people what do they like about you, and focus on that. We all have our bad sides, and we can work on it. If someone left you because of it, that’s their problem, not yours. They don’t deserve to be your friends anyway.

    Cry, shed every tear. But don’t forget to smile in the end. Negative emotions exists to tell us something needs to change. You need to have more confidence on yourself, you need to start loving you. For a star, let’s do this: pick a piece of paper and write everything you like about you. And every day, note down what good stuff happened to you. Think about what qualities generated those goods.

    I hope this tips will help you and bring you some serenity and, hopefully, put a smile on your face.

    Have the best day ever,

    Nícia ❤

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