January 15, 2016 § 1 Comment
I hate my mind. I should be okay. Tolerant, looking forward right now for various reasons. But all I can think of is how useless I am. All the people who’ve left me. I don’t know if it hurts more or less wondering how well they knew me or not. Either they didn’t get a chance to learn more about me, and maybe decide to like me, was it just superficial? One thing I said? Although, believe me, I go over all of my physical imperfections and every possible stupid inane thing I have ever said at too frequent an occasion anyway.
Did they get to know me well enough and that’s what did it? I think that’s worse. Right? There’s something fundamentally wrong with me. Who I am. It’s fucked because I know these negative self deprecating thoughts themselves weave themselves into who I am…and most likely have to do with why no one stays, why they decide I’m not worth…whatever. I really want to not care. But jesus, it’s hard. I need to vent. And all I want is to like myself, to not wonder and worry about if I’m worth the space I take, if my mind adds anything of value to the world, if I have any talent worth anything. etc. etc. etc.
Please don’t judge me on this post. I’m not editing because I’m not in a very energetic or motivated headspace. I just needed to vent and/or cry or..ugh fuck it.