January 15, 2016 § 1 Comment
I like multi-archs. Apparently. I’ve been cut open, pulled apart, rearranged, put back together. I’ve written before about myself as a doll. I am that much closer. Parts of a girl, taken apart, fixed, cleaned up, put back together in a better configuration.
Of my own volition, no worries. I want to be on the assembly line. I want to be the same as everyone. The best version. The Barbie version. I am strictly speaking looks. I am disgusting, this entire desire inside me is disgusting. I am the human equivalent of ambivalence, the word. In so many contexts. I hate myself for wanting what I do. I want to want things I hate. I am a mess. I really am a girl/woman made piece-meal and wrongly so. Take me apart again please. Fix me right.
January 15, 2016 § 1 Comment
I hate my mind. I should be okay. Tolerant, looking forward right now for various reasons. But all I can think of is how useless I am. All the people who’ve left me. I don’t know if it hurts more or less wondering how well they knew me or not. Either they didn’t get a chance to learn more about me, and maybe decide to like me, was it just superficial? One thing I said? Although, believe me, I go over all of my physical imperfections and every possible stupid inane thing I have ever said at too frequent an occasion anyway.
Did they get to know me well enough and that’s what did it? I think that’s worse. Right? There’s something fundamentally wrong with me. Who I am. It’s fucked because I know these negative self deprecating thoughts themselves weave themselves into who I am…and most likely have to do with why no one stays, why they decide I’m not worth…whatever. I really want to not care. But jesus, it’s hard. I need to vent. And all I want is to like myself, to not wonder and worry about if I’m worth the space I take, if my mind adds anything of value to the world, if I have any talent worth anything. etc. etc. etc.
Please don’t judge me on this post. I’m not editing because I’m not in a very energetic or motivated headspace. I just needed to vent and/or cry or..ugh fuck it.
January 2, 2016 § 1 Comment
Holiday season kills me. This has been well documented through social media by myself. For the first time I believe. This entire year has been one of me becoming increasingly raw and informing on my vulnerabilities. Still a long way to go but even writing the blog posts I have or sharing all the articles and my thoughts on various posts on mental illness etc. and assault and the like are new and surprising for me, the fact that I’ve finally been able to be that vulnerable to the public, my friends and family and anyone else.
I’ve had a rough month, besides the holidays and having to finally break the boycott I’ve had for the past year on family time. Obviously a big decision for me, since not having to attend events, and the emotions and stress it has caused me in the past, has helped my emotional stability immensely. I still only attended one event with more than my immediate family and only went home for the day of Christmas before I returned, so I’m still playing it safe.
Besides that, however, I’ve had some encounters with men in the month that were bordering on assault and really hit me hard, as well as some problems trying to get my life in check in terms of a reliable job, and dealing with normal everyday pains that happen, that you can’t avoid.
I have been better with opening up to friends and family, only a very select few people I will still admit, since my issues with trust are still very present in my life and my mind. I’ve also still been dating a few people, though I’ve been so much more careful than years past, another big step, but I usually pride myself on being intuitive to other peoples’ feelings and attractions to me. The man I’d been seeing that I really liked the most, even though he wasn’t very available due to his work schedule (and I made clear that I didn’t mind, that I was also very jaded still and probably not capable of a relationship either), who I felt like I connected with, was intelligent, funny, that I felt I could really talk to, and was genuinely NICE after my history of dating so many rapey assholes, and yet was still somehow attracted to him…He informed me he wanted to break it all off. I’m not sure what the reason is, if he’s telling the truth about lack of chemistry (I asked that in a leading question, so that’s up to debate) but if it is, it hits me harder. Because apparently there was a physical attraction but it didn’t evolve further for him. I know it’s not really my fault…but of course, me being me, is broken down, thinking it’s my personality, something fundamental about who I am that has turned this person off.
Maybe it’s not, maybe there’s something about my appearance too, which I obviously am always paranoid about. I honestly wonder if it’s because I’m not very established with my place in life, I’m just serving until I start school again next fall, so I seem like a loser I’m sure to someone who’s mature and has a real-time career. I don’t have much going for me (hopefully that’s something that happens further on, but who knows).
This is all fairly melodramatic and isn’t a very uplifting follow up to my last blog post obviously, but I still feel better myself getting all of my thoughts out in words like this.
I also know that, as I said, I’m still not emotionally healthy or confident with myself (that’s the biggest understatement HA) in who I am, my appearance, my identity and autonomy. My brother tells me that no matter what, I need to work on that, because even if I cover all of my insecurities up, they come through in different ways, no fault of my own. I’ve written about that before. I know that despite my best efforts to fake happiness and self-confidence, I exude my complete lack of self esteem from my pores. I know this comes across to people, I’ve also been told by other friends and therapists about the extent of my self deprecating language, which I don’t even notice, it’s that ingrained in me. Which, of course, makes it that much more a part of me, of what I truly think of myself. It’s strange because I really, honest to god, don’t notice, think I’m happy as I speak in the moment, and get called out on it by anyone comfortable (and maybe worried) with me to bring it up.
The last time I spent with this man I’ve been discussing, was also with my brother. It makes it sadder because my brother really liked him a lot, told me I should really wait on this guy, that he seemed to be an amazing person, fitting for me, genuinely liked me (obv up for debate now). And later on in the night, a nice dichotomy that ties in with this entire post, when it became just my brother and I, he got mad at me a few times because of how depressing I seem, how terrible and hurtful I am about and to myself, that I need to start realizing I’m a good person, and other shit…I can’t even write the compliments because it seems too forced and I don’t believe them or want to perpetuate that other people think good things about me. I’m honestly terrible (<see, even ughghghh). I know I need to work and start to try and care about myself. I can’t dwell on my emotions that are very low at the moment, but I do have to accept the sadness and wait till it passes. Then, I really do want to keep working at all of my negative thought process and self hatred. I do know I need to if I ever want to maintain relationships with anyone, I just need time, something I’m so impatient with…Fix me. Now.