The Self-Destruct Button and other methods to wreck your life

August 30, 2014 § Leave a comment

These suggestions work especially well if done in a relatively short period of time, say, 2 or so years. It is also most efficacious if you start out as something of the prodigal daughter/sister/student until you move out on your own, more of a bang for your buck if you will. Obviously it goes without saying, use at your own risk.

1. Focus most of your attention on your appearance. Especially if you start out somewhat chubby and ill proportioned, and perhaps naively experiencing puberty far too early when you are NOT sexually attractive by any means to your peers, despite becoming a sexual being, however they like to determine that by your physiology. Starve those hips and breasts and belly down at all cost, by any means. If it doesn’t work, focus the rest of your life trying to goddam MAKE your body do what you want it to. Fight your fucking biology (note: it will fight back).

2. Though you won’t ever be satisfied by your body, your skin, your face et al. keep fucking with your metabolism and your bodily chemistry. Be fucking miserable, and maybe say fuck it eventually and give up. Eat and start vomitting. Practice makes perfect.

3. Run away from all of your friends and relationships. Ruin them through self-sabotaging means if necessary. You can start out slowly with this one. We’ll get to the more severe breaches of trust in relationships later. Most likely, you’re terrified of anyone caring about you as more than a piece, a resume or a GPA. Cut all your ties when anything gets too serious, where they or you might care about the other as anything resembling a living, feeling human with needs and emotions. You don’t want to get too involved and you don’t want to let anyone get too close lest they get to know you enough to leave or give you any sense of identity beyond the external criteria I just mentioned.

4. By now your identity (or lack thereof) should be sufficiently defined by external characteristics. You don’t know what the fuck you like, who you are, what you want so let others tell you, especially as society might dictate. You don’t really want to work at a lab or as an engineer or a doctor but that seems to be what you SHOULD do and would be lucrative. That’s all that matters.

5. Upon moving out, try to get a single room. Aim to be as isolated as possible. Attain acquaintances, but again, be wary of anything becoming too serious. Drink to socialize always, be careful not to gain that blasted weight they say is inevitable in first year college/university. Your appearance is still paramount. By now, what else do you really have?

6. The career plan that was somewhat chosen for you may not work out. You may realize that you don’t like any of the classes you’re taking and since your classes are so big, you don’t get the same recognition for academic achievement that you’re used to. But don’t try to meet anyone in your classes wherein you can study together. Don’t seek out TAs or profs because, again, you’re terrified. Refuse to challenge this and let yourself feel the complete sense of failure. Let it really overwhelm you. Bonus points if you don’t seek help despite having become bat shit crazy, neurotic and paranoid.

7. Keep pushing. Emotionally drain yourself, murder your health. Pump your body full of chemicals, pills and booze and whatever else you can find. At first, it’s fine to again, start out slowly. Buy your pills from friends and dealers. Avoid sleep and food and support for as long as possible. Fainting and illness may occur, both mentally and physically.

8. If you’ve followed through with the above, you’ll become too sick and broken to keep a job or stay in school. Relish in your malfunctioning organs and your broken bones. Ensure that even with your failing health that you keep at it. Remain dedicated! Drain the rest of your bank account, max out your credit cards to get your hands on the necessary substances to abuse, food that you will waste after hours with your head in the toilet. Remaining hours will be spent having crashed onto your floor, your carpet, sometimes the odd time actually making it to crash into your pillow, where you may find it difficult to move for a good day or more.

9. Move back home. This will be necessary if your family still thinks they can help you attain your previous level of functioning, as you will have no money, and have long since accepted your ill ability at remaining attentive to your school work or remaining physically well enough to work.

10. Since you’re broke and have little to no sense of your capabilities, you may try to work some jobs, despite the tendency to collapse without warning, to break down in sobs. If you work in a service industry job, you’ll most likely be aware of the dead look behind your eyes, bloodshot and verging on a meltdown. Keep at it until a ‘talk’ happens and you are asked to leave for “your health/wellbeing” but really, for being unreliable and unstable.

11. Let whoever take advantage of you, fuck you, do what they want with you. This works well with strangers and assholes. Become adept at identifying the ones who really demean you. Strive to be as attractive and cooperative to the men (or women) who treat you the worst. Physical and sexual violence is another bonus. Your only sense of identity should be your body and your appearance and you should, therefore, try to be as objectified and devoid of self worth through your interactions with the opposite sex as possible.

12. Having ruined a great many prospects and relationships, resort to acting out like a teenager. You’ll have to really raise the bar on your moral depravity here. Steal and manipulate and lie to your family and friends. Prime targets will be the food you will throw up, booze, pills, anything that might help you forget or will make you lose weight. If you haven’t already left your scattershot group(s) of friends as noted above, you’ll definitely be able to fuck things up for good through these methods. A good attempted (even if it is accidental) suicide attempt works as well.

And there you have it. I’d like to think these are all fairly fool proof methods to achieve the outlined objective. It’s harder than it seems, you really have to develop a deeply ingrained self hatred. I’d like to think the reverse trajectory of digging yourself out of the mound of shit you’ve buried yourself in is as equally possible. As yet, I have no advice on that matter.


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