Shit Spiral’ing

August 29, 2014 § Leave a comment

Remember when this began as a baking puke blog. A mix of lovely recipes I dedicate my time too, and obviously my fuckedupedness. The past couple of weeks I’ve been god awful. I haven’t been as symptomatic in my bulimia in, perhaps, more than a year? I was averaging a purge about 3x a day for the past couple of weeks. I didn’t drink at all, but again, something else takes the place of whatever vice I give up at a time. I do wish I was just an alcoholic or just a bulimic, anorexic, anything else. Where I could just give that ONE thing up, instead of feeling like shit all the time and resorting to one of my defective strategies when I try to get rid of something.

I baked like a manic the past weekend. It was all very intense, no one was around a few of the days on the weekend and my dad had a work party where they had planned a contest of sorts between the two offices he manages; which office had the best bakers. So he got my help. I planned on doing two for the party: Caramel Apple Cheesecake bars and Chocolate chip cookie dough stuffed cinnamon rolls were the two winners. The rolls, of course, needed more time than I had because I had to use yeast and let it rise for so many hours. Whoopsie, forgot about that. My ideas were, as per usual, superior to my time management and common sense. I made the cookie dough and the bars before the party, so my dad took the bars and I made the rolls the next day. And then I made a homemade pizza as well, as I went on a bit of a frenzy. PIZZA, with a GARLIC BREAD crust that I also decided to stuff with cheese. Mmmm. And I puked for a good couple of days there. Which I’d been doing beforehand, but at least the baking kept my head out of the toilet for a certain amount of productivity.

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The pizza was my best accomplishment.

Garlic Bread Pizza Crust

I mostly stuck with the recipe exactly. HowSweetEats is, perhaps, my ultimate recipe blog. So check it.

My mom makes her own pesto though, and I didn’t have any cloves of garlic lying around, so I used the pesto in place of the separate ingredients. One day, when she’s not as pissed at me (which could be a lengthy amount of time, I apologize) I will get her recipe for it.

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makes one pizza

1 1/8 cups warm water (100-105 degrees)

3 teaspoons active dry yeast

1 1/2 tablespoons honey

1 1/2 tablespoon olive oil

3 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon dried basil

approx 1 cup pesto

5 tablespoons unsalted butter

2 tablespoons parmesan cheese

In a bowl, mix the water, honey and olive oil together. Add the yeast and mix it together until the mixture foams.

MMM yeast’a’risin’

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Let it sit for about ten minutes.

Add 2 1/2 cups flour (the remaining 1/2 cup will be used later), basil, salt and garlic powder. (I mixed this together in a separate bowl first before adding it to the yeast mixture). I mixed it first with a spoon and when it was relatively homogeneous I began to use my hands to roll it into a ball.

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Some sexy Essie nail polish, natch. In NoPlaceLikeChrome. Don’t worry kids, I don’t believe I had anyone ingest some silver tipped pizza dough.

After it’s been doughed up in the bowl, use the remaining 1/2 cup of flour to cover a flat surface and beat the dough out for a few minutes. I told my brother he would most likely be better at this than me, being a man and a lot more experienced in the motions HA. I’m ruthless.

After you’ve kneaded the dough, pour a ring of olive oil around the edge of the bowl you’d used to mix and roll your dough with the oil. Cover the mixture with a towel. I usually use an elastic around it to make sure it’s covered well enough. Maybe I’m a little paranoid. I do allow give in the towel above the bowl, to let it rise as much as it needs to.

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Let it rise in a warm place (I left it on my kitchen table, it’s summer, room temp and everything worked out perfectly) for 1 1/2 hours.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

After the dough has risen, remove it and punch it out on the floured surface again. Roll it into your desired shape and place on your baking pan. No extra oil/butter should be needed since it should be well covered already. Cover the crust on the pan with a towel again and let it rise for a further 10 minutes or so.

As it’s rising, mix together 3 tablespoons of the butter and about a cup (or as much as you’d like) of pesto and a tablespoon of parmesan cheese (I love cheese so I used extra).

Bring out the dough and cover it with the butter/pesto mixture, making sure to focus especially on the edges.

Cover with any toppings you’d like and bake for 25 or so minutes (I left mine in a bit longer because I’d stuffed the crust with cheese. I made sure to keep checking it though after it reached the 20 minute mark.

I made mine a Balsamic Veggie Pizza with a Mixed Cheese stuffed Crust.

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1 tomato, sliced

1 stalk of broccoli, with ends cut off

1 onion, chopped

1 red pepper, chopped

1 green pepper, chopped

Can of sliced mushrooms

Balsamic Vinegar (I used pretty liberally)

Parmesan cheese (also used fairly liberally)

pinch salt

pinch pepper

I put all of the vegetables into a pan and turned it onto med-high heat. I added balsamic vinegar, salt, pepper, parmesan cheese and crisped the veggies (although, I didn’t cook them completely through as I would be adding them to the pizza to be baked further).

Once they were nicely browned, covered with the vinegar and other spices, I took them off the heat and let them cool for a bit.

While I let them cool, I used a mixed cheese mix, preshredded and pulled out the edges of the pizza crust, and filled with a ring of cheese, then folding over the pulled out pieces of dough to cover the cheese.

I then covered the middle with my vegetables, added some extra parmesan and baked the pizza for the 20-25 minutes (I think I ended up baking it closer to 30 minutes).

Another great idea, because i fucking LOVE anything with balsamic vinegar, is to drizzle a balsamic glaze over the baked pizza.

Such as the one used in this recipe:

Asiago Portabello Burgers with Roasted Red Peppers and Balsamic Glaze

obviously, just use the glaze portion of the recipe but I highly recommend the burgers, which I’ve made myself before and are AMAZING, and also really low-cal. Also slightly expensive, for all the vegetables and portabello mushrooms are fairly expensive for cheap ass uni students like I was when I made them. Even more so because I probably puked them up afterward. So fucking wasteful, I’m awful.

I had this fucking pizza, which ended up being a beast, disgustingly thick.

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My parents had also left about half of my Caramel Apple Cheesecake bars

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and the Chocolate Chip cookie dough stuffed Cinnamon Rolls I’d finished before the pizza that morning, while they left for their party.

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PLUS, since my brother apparently doesn’t like pizza, and asked if we could rent movies and get chinese food, there was wanton soup for me, chicken balls, eggrolls, chicken fried rice…Jesus.

I drank a lot of diet coke and water, and snacked on my baking. I only had one piece of the pizza, the rest of the dessert stuff was easier to hide how much I’d had, but I went through a decent amount of that as well as the chinese. I’d already been throwing up for the better part of the week. It wasn’t even binges really. I wasn’t drinking and had tried to be strict with myself, as I am wont to do on what I plan to be my “good” days, where I plan on having my coffee black and THAT’S it. Sometimes, I’ll decide it’s okay to have a can of diced tomatoes with a shit ton of salt and pepper and vinegar, but I’d been doing that and feeling guilty, and puking those up as well.

That week, I’d been trying to at least appear better. I usually only have the sauce when Mom makes spaghetti for dinner, picking through it for the vegetables, but I’d actually had the noodles this time. I knew I’d end up getting rid of it, but it wasn’t a binge really, and I seemed to be trying for their benefit, so I figured it’d be okay. I’m always the first to finish dinner, because I usually eat the least and the rest of my family stays up to talk either at the kitchen table or in the living room upstairs, so I could throw up fairly quickly and discreetly in the downstairs bathroom.

Getting back into the habit, it ends up being easier and easier to throw up quickly and quietly. I always had my water bottles to rinse out my stomach, to keep throwing up until it came back as clear water. Then I’d feel okay and I could stop.

Once I’d stolen painkillers from my aunt, the ones she hadn’t been using anymore. I think they were Oxy and I remember thinking how great the endorphins felt, how I’d started puking even small amounts, or just liquid, sometimes until I was just making myself dry heave, because I wanted that rush without the drugs.

I don’t know what the fuck’s been going on with me lately. I can’t drink, I really can’t, except I drank two days ago, and it was the only time I didn’t vomit anything up. And I did eat during the day, so it wasn’t that I was just drinking all my calories. My tolerance is so high though now that I don’t puke or pass out anymore. The puking, I mean, I don’t unless I make myself. But I end up drinking and drinking and then taking other peoples’ alcohol? I came home and was so drunk anyway, that I didn’t end up drinking the wine I’d taken and forgot about it, as well as the movie I allegedly watched with my father, until my friend and my dad brought both events up to me.

And the thing is, I hate all of this shit that I do. And I want all of it to stop. I want my goddam head to be okay just being fucking SOBER, or sitting and reading or painting or whatever other activity I should just fucking like doing, without wanting something to hurt me, hurt everyone else, get me out of my goddam head and my body and my life.

The only thing I can think of will still hurt me, but not others. If I was skinny again, and just starved I wouldn’t be eating and needing to purge. Whatever, FEELING the need to purge, I wouldn’t drink because of the calories and the weight gain. I wouldn’t be drunk and stealing and obliterating all consequences from my pickled brain. But then, again, I’d be sick and stupid and non functional. Everyone’s going away tomorrow and I’ll probably end up passed out after puking all day or drinking my skull off. I scare the shit out of myself.

 

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