Clambake Pt. 2

July 11, 2014 § Leave a comment

I’ve been watching and rewatching Game of Thrones for days, weeks. I’m obsessed. I’ve eaten a carrot and a tomato so far today. I had to wake up fucking early for my therapy session. ONE of my many sessions. I’m a busy busy lunatic. Tomato, carrot, milk in my coffee. My parents are going to the Arrogant Worms concert that’s in Campbellford tonight, as well as dinner and that leaves me free to cab down to get my evening’s licquor. Which will turn into….my weekend’s licquor. They have to go down to Toronto for apartment showings with my brother tomorrow as well so I can be drunk for a good couple days. Which promises some very jumbled blog posts to follow. I hope to only consume these approx. 80 calories until then, and then only wine. And my poisoned body will hopefully fall asleep quickly and I’ll still lose all this fucking excess weight.

I still want to be a bony white bird girl. In dirty wife beaters and cut offs, covered in nosebleeds and charcoal and paint, unbrushed hair, clean face, dark makeup, dark nails. Those beaded orange slippers that I’m very slowly wearing away. I want to see my ribs and my collar again, I want my shoulderblades to just out of my skin like wings.

My therapist today told me to write a memoir, whether I publish or not. Although that would be terrifying, putting my life and its horrors on paper. Of course, they are all my horrors, the ones I’ve created after the few things done to me. I think I’ve had it so easy, relatively. It’s scarier to be honest, and have the opinions and acts towards others, real people, flesh and blood that will most likely hear of me in this tiny shit town and throughout my tiny shit family, and will read about themselves and be hurt and disgusted by my depictions more than they already are.

Out of all the shit I’ve done to myself and to them, this might actually offer some kind of positive outcome from it all. Who fucking knows? I need to change my nail polish before I blog again.


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