July 11, 2014 § Leave a comment
I’m a very bad girlfriend. I’ve warned people before. At certain phases I think I can handle it. Or perhaps, I meet someone that I actually feel like will make me better. Which is, in itself a horrible motivation to get involved with someone. But again, that’s why I’m a shit girlfriend. I’ve very bad at relationships, anything long term that involves feelings and trust. I’m very bad at both.
I wonder if I would have dated the most recent ex if I had been slightly better resume-wise, if I wasn’t as much of an alcoholic vomiting invalid. I used to date assholes who thought highly of themselves, sorry, that I also thought so highly of themselves…who treated me like shit. They might not have even, some of them just played on my own whining. I wouldn’t have sex with them….or rather, I would, but I would never be there. I remember all of these instances in third person. They can have sex with me but I had to be in certain positions, I had to be rigid and disconnected or I couldn’t. I was too much, I hated feeling anyway. Do what you want and fuck off. And who wants to fuck someone like that?
I feel better about certain things, but I don’t know how to….mediate the rest. I became more comfortable in a way just…being. But then I felt numb in a way, and now I drink too much to feel? Or let whoever fuck around with me, hurt me, to…feel? I don’t know. I’m not a fucking psychiatrist.
Sometimes I’m worried after studying sociopathy because I feel like I lack empathy. I can understand how people feel, but I still feel like two people. Pretending that certain parts of me don’t exist. And I forget them and I don’t feel guilty.