the ever eponymous shit spiral
May 16, 2014 § Leave a comment
I’m tempted to call or message my ex boyfriend in some way. I think about what a shitty person I am…to everyone who loves me. Sometimes I wonder how to go back. The worse I get, the worse I become. I ruin something, another, relationships, my future. I’m not excusing myself for anything, because all of the fucked up evil choices I’ve made, I can’t say why. My shrinks and therapists have always told me I have some inability to describe my emotions. Which is true. If I think about any time in my life, I can never define what I’m feeling. I could be my own shrink and say that I’m fairly sure I overshot my emotional development while I grew quite quickly intellectually and physically. I didn’t know I needed a bra or shave under my arms until people pointed it out. I was going through puberty a lot earlier than anyone else. Maybe I was trying to avoid it, maybe I blame my parents, even though I know it’s no one’s fault except my own for how I deal with it all, for not explaining enough to me about my puberty. I also feel like…they did tell me, and I read so much, but I think I purposely tried to avoid it all. I think I started blocking all of this out, because I didn’t want to develop so quickly, I didn’t want to be any of that.
And I’m wondering now about all of the fucked up shit with what happened to me from 5-7 and I’m a strong person, and a smart person, but how did I not realize how awful some of this stuff was until now? Not to go into detail, but I keep having nightmares and internal rants about how I am hurting other people, how I’m continuing this spiral. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but everything I’ve done….so much, I think I’ve led myself into horrible situations, and because of that, I ruin other people. I told one of my friends about how I have this feeling that her brother, that I slept with for a while, might have stolen from me. I lost money, a lot….and we were drunk, and of course I could have lost it somehow, even though, I’ve never done that before. I’ve looked through my entire apartment, and nothing. I never thought about it until recently, but I think of the shitty times I’ve stolen things and how I’ve felt and and comparatively of that person…and I can’t shake the feeling.
And I never did anything like that until afterward. What if I’m hurting other people with the things that I do. This fucking cycle of hurting someone else and another and another. It’s harder to think about anyone who’s been hurt more deeply. Rape victims who’ve been subjected to bestiality and incest and ritual abuse….who I don’t blame for inflicting some kind of similar pain, whether emotional or physical on anyone else….and I just get so upset about how this keeps continuing.
I remember being the most upset in therapy at thinking about certain people that, I suppose, have abused me and taken advantage, but I don’t really blame. I know that they’ve been upset and ruined and hurt in some way, so of course they feel the need to take control back in some way? I know it’s still wrong, but I act out really horribly too…and I’m just guilty all the time. And feel like I deserve to be treated however anyone wants because of what I’ve done? I’m not sure. I don’t want to overanalyze things. But lately, I just want to text my ex and say I’m sorry. But I can’t. It’s over, I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to get him back. I don’t deserve him, or anyone right now. I need to get better, to feel better. I need to feel value for myself more than I do. I don’t think anyone’s usually a shitty person unless they hate themselves enough. Good people love themselves…..maybe I’m just naive but, that’s my current train of thought.