tick tick tick tick tick tick tick away

May 8, 2014 § Leave a comment

I’m having a big issue with time. Either it goes too fast or seems like it takes forever. Each minute seems so ESSENTIAL. And I know I get all fucked up thinking in that fashion, as if I must be doing something incredibly worthwhile each second of the day. And all the seconds and minutes that add up in a day seem overwhelming. Then, in times when I have exams or something due that I’ve left to the last minute, I really am working like a fiend through all of the time I have until the last second. I’ve always thrived on this time pressure, excelled in that kind of environment. And then of course, the flip side, is when I feel so fucking empty the rest of the time. And I’m so tired. Of pushing myself too hard and of feeling nothing, dead weight inside my bones.

I haven’t written on here in about a year, since it seems my last post was when I was turning 22. And I’m 23 and a half now. Jesus, I feel old. And I’m nowhere I need to be. Last year was probably the worst in my life, if you look at events and actual behaviour I’ve engaged in, but it’s strange because I still feel somewhat similar. I do a lot of worse things, but they help me cope.

I’m horribly alcoholic, I’ve gotten very good and perhaps….much balsier with my binging and purging, mostly the purging, because I regularly purge in public now. I don’t necessarily binge….but I’ll throw up my holiday meals in other peoples’ bathrooms, or at restaurants. And I used to always be too anxious to do that. And the nerves would get in the way of me even being able to vomit at all.

I’m proud of that though. Which is even screwier. But it’s not like I have much else to be happy with myself about. I don’t have much time at the moment and I feel like I’m rushing this a bit. My mom will get back from walking the dog and we’ll have to go in about an hour to this group meeting bullshit that I’m doing in Kingston to ‘better myself’ I’ll say. I’m really not trying to be cynical, even if I am, immersing yourself in stuff like that can only benefit. I have a lot to add later on because it’s been an incredibly long time for me having written about myself. I’m going to try and push myself to write once a day. And that seems doable since I don’t do much else of value during the days because I’ve become so fucking dysfunctional. And I have so much to recount from all the craziness of the past year.


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