May 16, 2014 § Leave a comment
I’m tempted to call or message my ex boyfriend in some way. I think about what a shitty person I am…to everyone who loves me. Sometimes I wonder how to go back. The worse I get, the worse I become. I ruin something, another, relationships, my future. I’m not excusing myself for anything, because all of the fucked up evil choices I’ve made, I can’t say why. My shrinks and therapists have always told me I have some inability to describe my emotions. Which is true. If I think about any time in my life, I can never define what I’m feeling. I could be my own shrink and say that I’m fairly sure I overshot my emotional development while I grew quite quickly intellectually and physically. I didn’t know I needed a bra or shave under my arms until people pointed it out. I was going through puberty a lot earlier than anyone else. Maybe I was trying to avoid it, maybe I blame my parents, even though I know it’s no one’s fault except my own for how I deal with it all, for not explaining enough to me about my puberty. I also feel like…they did tell me, and I read so much, but I think I purposely tried to avoid it all. I think I started blocking all of this out, because I didn’t want to develop so quickly, I didn’t want to be any of that.
And I’m wondering now about all of the fucked up shit with what happened to me from 5-7 and I’m a strong person, and a smart person, but how did I not realize how awful some of this stuff was until now? Not to go into detail, but I keep having nightmares and internal rants about how I am hurting other people, how I’m continuing this spiral. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but everything I’ve done….so much, I think I’ve led myself into horrible situations, and because of that, I ruin other people. I told one of my friends about how I have this feeling that her brother, that I slept with for a while, might have stolen from me. I lost money, a lot….and we were drunk, and of course I could have lost it somehow, even though, I’ve never done that before. I’ve looked through my entire apartment, and nothing. I never thought about it until recently, but I think of the shitty times I’ve stolen things and how I’ve felt and and comparatively of that person…and I can’t shake the feeling.
And I never did anything like that until afterward. What if I’m hurting other people with the things that I do. This fucking cycle of hurting someone else and another and another. It’s harder to think about anyone who’s been hurt more deeply. Rape victims who’ve been subjected to bestiality and incest and ritual abuse….who I don’t blame for inflicting some kind of similar pain, whether emotional or physical on anyone else….and I just get so upset about how this keeps continuing.
I remember being the most upset in therapy at thinking about certain people that, I suppose, have abused me and taken advantage, but I don’t really blame. I know that they’ve been upset and ruined and hurt in some way, so of course they feel the need to take control back in some way? I know it’s still wrong, but I act out really horribly too…and I’m just guilty all the time. And feel like I deserve to be treated however anyone wants because of what I’ve done? I’m not sure. I don’t want to overanalyze things. But lately, I just want to text my ex and say I’m sorry. But I can’t. It’s over, I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to get him back. I don’t deserve him, or anyone right now. I need to get better, to feel better. I need to feel value for myself more than I do. I don’t think anyone’s usually a shitty person unless they hate themselves enough. Good people love themselves…..maybe I’m just naive but, that’s my current train of thought.
May 9, 2014 § Leave a comment
Just because I’m playing said title by Avicii now. I remember going to Avicii and other electro concerts in undergrad…and being fairly happy, mostly drunk.
I’ve been going through various Instagram accounts. I’m a sad person without such an account bc I have never had any kind of up to date phone. My shitty blackberry whatever it is was a deal with our family account and has electrical tape (because it looks classier) holding most of its parts together, and has recently lost its call/end call etc buttons from the front of its touch screen. I still creep other peoples’ accounts though. That’s obvious. Why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t anyone? It’s the point of all this social media shit. Vicariously living through anyone we could possibly want.
Sometimes I wonder if we’re all becoming mini sociopaths. Not necessarily in the violent sense (although studies might be referred, and I obviously will look up as much as I can on GoogleScholar featuring these topics and post them here for you, as I am wont to do), but in the disconnection. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel empty all of the time. That’s probably not even true, just that when I do feel any kind of emotion I shut it off. I am happy, so I fuck or celebrate with whiskey and it’s externalized, I feel sad or angry or afraid and all of said counterparts’ constituents and I try to get rid of it. But if my facebook/twitter etc. profile says what I want. Anyway. I’m drunk right now. Classic.
May 8, 2014 § Leave a comment
I’m having a big issue with time. Either it goes too fast or seems like it takes forever. Each minute seems so ESSENTIAL. And I know I get all fucked up thinking in that fashion, as if I must be doing something incredibly worthwhile each second of the day. And all the seconds and minutes that add up in a day seem overwhelming. Then, in times when I have exams or something due that I’ve left to the last minute, I really am working like a fiend through all of the time I have until the last second. I’ve always thrived on this time pressure, excelled in that kind of environment. And then of course, the flip side, is when I feel so fucking empty the rest of the time. And I’m so tired. Of pushing myself too hard and of feeling nothing, dead weight inside my bones.
I haven’t written on here in about a year, since it seems my last post was when I was turning 22. And I’m 23 and a half now. Jesus, I feel old. And I’m nowhere I need to be. Last year was probably the worst in my life, if you look at events and actual behaviour I’ve engaged in, but it’s strange because I still feel somewhat similar. I do a lot of worse things, but they help me cope.
I’m horribly alcoholic, I’ve gotten very good and perhaps….much balsier with my binging and purging, mostly the purging, because I regularly purge in public now. I don’t necessarily binge….but I’ll throw up my holiday meals in other peoples’ bathrooms, or at restaurants. And I used to always be too anxious to do that. And the nerves would get in the way of me even being able to vomit at all.
I’m proud of that though. Which is even screwier. But it’s not like I have much else to be happy with myself about. I don’t have much time at the moment and I feel like I’m rushing this a bit. My mom will get back from walking the dog and we’ll have to go in about an hour to this group meeting bullshit that I’m doing in Kingston to ‘better myself’ I’ll say. I’m really not trying to be cynical, even if I am, immersing yourself in stuff like that can only benefit. I have a lot to add later on because it’s been an incredibly long time for me having written about myself. I’m going to try and push myself to write once a day. And that seems doable since I don’t do much else of value during the days because I’ve become so fucking dysfunctional. And I have so much to recount from all the craziness of the past year.